Query critiques?

Hello there, blogosphere!

As you know, I'm working on edits for my manuscript "The Long Road Home." But that means I also need to polish up my query letter.

So I'm going to do a possibly crazy thing that probably won't work and post it here and beg for some feedback. Let me know what you think, and what needs some tweaking. Thanks!

Dear Agent Awesome:

            Fifteen-year-old Maire Finn made a promise to herself: no matter what happened, she was not going to die. 

            Elbows in her face didn’t matter; she’d give as good as she got, so long as she came out of it with a handful of stolen barley in her pocket. But no amount of bloodied noses could keep black slime from spreading across the potato fields. And as much as she’d like to shove her fist into her overfed English landlord’s gut, even that wouldn’t change the fact that he was demanding money her family would never be able to find in time. 

            So when a mysterious man with a dangerous smile appears spinning a gold coin like a spider’s web, Maire jumps on his offer of work immediately. It’s only after she’s been whisked away that she learns she’s been tricked. Her Secrets Man is no ordinary human, and his plans for her don’t involve her ever seeing her family again. 

            Magical tricks or no, the farm he’s placed her on is real enough. But a full stomach hasn’t dulled Maire’s stubbornness. She is going to figure out what exactly it is that he wants from her. She is going to find a way to get around his rules and keep her family from starving. And she is going to save herself, on her own terms this time. 

            Even though crossing him might just be more dangerous than the famine.

            THE LONG ROAD HOME is a YA historical fiction with fantasy elements complete at 85,000 words. I hope it will appeal to readers who enjoy the combination of historical reality and the supernatural in Maggie Stiefvater’s The Scorpio Races or Elizabeth C. Bunce’s A Curse Dark As Gold. 

            I am a recent graduate of Ithaca College, where I got my B.A. in Writing with a minor in History. My historical nonfiction has received the 2013 Elliot Mayrock Writing Award and a Best Paper award at the 2013 Phi Alpha Theta regional conference. In addition, my fiction was the recipient of the 2013 Runner Up prize in Ithaca College's Writing Department Contest and is published on their website.

Thank you for your time and consideration.